SQL Sleuth: Learn Some SQL While Solving a Mystery

The Data County PD has a database problem, and they need your help to solve a crime.

In this session (modified from Knight Labs' SQL Murder Mystery), I'll go over some of the basics of SQL querying to help you learn how to ask your database the right questions to get the correct answers that you need.

I'm Just Here For The T-Shirt: Coping With Impostor Syndrome

I’ve been a professional geek for 25 years, but I still feel like I’m out of my zone. Technology moves so fast. There are so many things to know. Everyone is so much smarter than me. I don’t know what I’m doing, and it’s just a matter of time before someone finds me out. Or something like that. Imposter Syndrome is a problem. But it can be dealt with.

This is a Level 100 session. It's for anyone. It's currently a 60 minute session, but can be adjusted as needed. I have previously presented this at Adobe Coldfusion Summit.

Don't Go Breakin' My Heart: Trust, But Verify

Let's talk a little cybersecurity. To function, any business must trust its employees. But, sometimes, that trust can be abused to disastrous ends. Insider threats are a problem that every business should watch out for.

In this talk, I'll go over some of the basics of Insider Threat Awareness, and I'll show some examples of real Insider Threats and how they could have been seen coming.

If You Teach a Man to Phish ...

It seems like we’re constantly under attack by someone trying to steal our money or our personal information. Scammers are constantly on the prowl for victims, and phishing is one of their favorite tools. In this talk, I’ll teach you how to spot it, so that you can avoid becoming one of those victims.

This is a Level 100 session. It's for anyone. It's currently a 60 minute session, but can be adjusted as needed.

Schrödinger’s Backup: Is Your Backup Really a Backup?

We work in an industry where pretty much everything needs to be backed up. Our code. Our databases. Our webservers. Our file servers. Even our network configurations. Everything.

The worst time to find out you’ve got a problem with your backup system is when everything has gone sideways and you need to bring it all back online RIGHT NOW.

Can you do it?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In this session I’ll hopefully convince you that you don’t know if your Backup is alive or dead if you haven’t tried to Restore it.

This is a Level 100 session. It's for anyone. It's currently a 60 minute session, but can be adjusted as needed. I have previously presented this at Into The Box.

You've Been Hit By A Bus. Now What?

What happens to our digital selves when our physical selves are gone? Most of us probably haven’t given much thought about our digital footprints and how they will far outlive us. Or, more importantly, about how our passing can leave our loved ones in a tight spot. Our modern lives have changed to include a significant amount of digital stuff that could easily disappear if that bus comes around. Will the people you leave behind be able to continue to function without you? We need to have a plan.

First off, I’m a geek, not a lawyer. Laws are different everywhere and may have a different impact on each person’s passing. My main goal of this talk is awareness. When my grandmother and my best friend both passed away, they were very different passings, but they could have mitigated some of the issues that arose if they had left behind a plan. This talk is about my experiences, and how those experiences shaped my views about what can happen to my family after I pass away.

Preliminary slides from PASS 2022 at https://slides.com/codefumonkey/you-ve-been-hit-by-a-bus-now-what

The Golden Hammer: Confessions of a Recovering Database Abuser

Early in my dev career, I often (unwittingly) abused my systems. My code didn't care about things like databases or networks, as long as the results were right. I had a cfHammer, and I needed to pound out a solution. I never knew I was an anti-pattern.

I plan this talk to cover some of the things that I’ve learned as both a CF developer and a SQL developer/DBA. I’ve seen a lot of queries that could be made a lot more efficient with a little bit of SQL knowledge. It will be fairly basic SQL, but topics that the average developer may not be aware of.

So far, I plan to talk a little bit about: 1) Why SELECT * can be bad 2) Why looping over queries is bad. 3) Improving queries with JOINs 4) NOLOCK and how it may not be doing what’s expected 5) Some datatype considerations 6) Basic SQL performance and set-based querying 7) NULL 8) Being put in the position of Accidental DBA 9-n) etc.

I plan to talk about some of the things I’ve learned about the things I used to do and how I should do them differently.

Presented at Online ColdFusion Meetup #283 (Feb 2021)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq2t6ulM4hY&list=PLG2EHzEbhy0-QirMKgSxhjkUyTSSTvHjL&index=13

Y2K38: The Coming Epochalypse

When most people think of Y2K, they think "overblown hoax". But thanks to a lot of really smart people, and a few billion dollars, the New Millennium passed quietly.

In the early hours of January 19, 2038, our clocks will break again.

So much software and hardware around us relies on 32-bit Unix time, and it's approaching some technical limits that can cause even bigger problems than Y2K would have. Pile on aging container images, legacy integer date datatypes, the hyper-connected world we live in, and vibe-coded timestamp logic, and we are actively deploying architecture today that will break tomorrow.

In this session, we'll talk about:
* The 32-Bit Overflow Mechanics: A couple of billion seconds sounds like a lot until you run out of them. Thanks to integer overflow, your clocks will think it's 1901.
* "Not My Problem" Thinking: We knew about these problems in the 50s, yet kept kicking the can down the road for "someone else to fix". Besides, "the code will be replaced by then anyway". But, ask COBOL developers how long code sticks around.
* Band-Aids Aren't Fixes: Some of the stop-gap hacks are actively expiring and causing Y2K issues even today. We shouldn't keep making that mistake.
* The 2036 NTP Canary: In 2036, Network Time Protocol will experience the integer rollover. This will be a great trial run. Or wake-up call.
* The AI Supply Chain Threat: As GenAI and "vibe coding" have become more prevalent, relying on these tools has accidentally reintroduced legacy date bugs into our greenfield codebases.
* An Infrastructure Playbook: With all this Doom and Gloom, we need a few practical steps we can use to audit our infrastructure to minimize the problems.

As the geeks in the room, we've guaranteed ourselves front row seats for the "Epochalypse". We're running out of time. Sorta literally.

Will it be "overblown"? Probably. But it still won't be a hoax. Are you ready to be "someone else"?

This is a Level 100 session. It's for anyone. I have previously presented it as a 45-60 minute session, but I also have a condensed 25-30 minute version.

Slides from previous presentation at https://slides.com/codefumonkey/y2k38-the-coming-epochalypse-v11-scs26