Agile methodologies have been aggressively pursued for over a decade, leaving a wake of disgruntled developers, scrum-masters, product and business owners.

The Agile Manifesto proposes to "Build projects around motivated individuals", but what if you don't? What if you aren't?

Many workers have found an approach which works better for them.

In this semi-parody session, field research will reveal how SLOW really works.
- Learn how to influence your leaders through fear with creative risk scenarios. (Butwatabout Route)
- Minimize personal blame exposure and increase compliance appearances (Process Protection)
- Leverage "lack of alignment" to introduce more meetings and then use that as a reason for not having time to complete your duties (Meeting Manipulation)
- Redefine goals and terminology to move the goals closer to preferred working styles (Hockey-puck Cricket)
- Maximize ROI while minimizing effort extended (Conway Capitalism)

Audience members will be left to decide which optimizations they will embrace.

Real-life strategies and examples will be provided.
For example:

Cherish? Challenge? The choice is yours.

This has been developed to directly challenge (in a fun and snarky way) my friend's work with FaST Agile, and other methodologies strongly touted (often on false presumptions on core motivations).