"Real programmers use vim." "Real programmers don't need Stack Overflow." "Real programmers work 80-hour weeks." Enough. This keynote systematically destroys the toxic myths that keep talented people out of tech and make the rest of us miserable. Through humor, hard truths, and audience participation, we'll examine where these myths came from, why they persist, and how they're literally costing us innovation. You'll leave armed with responses to gatekeepers, strategies for building inclusive teams, and permission to use whatever IDE makes you happy. Time to redefine what "real programmers" actually do: solve problems and support each other.